I've Been Asked How I Do It All

As the title of this post says, I've been asked how I do it all, with it being taking care of the house, the animals, bills, and all the other things, like working and helping out animals in need of a little bit of loving.  Well, it isn't easy and some days I just want to have a Calgon-take-me-away day, but all in all it is so worth the seemingly constant work and effort.

 

What I had to do was eliminate stuff that sat around collecting dust and taking up space; space that was sorely needed for peace of mind, comfort, and movement.  Getting rid of things took time, ingenuity, and effort, as well as soul searching on my part.  As I had been raised by a parent who never threw anything away - and this included wads of tissues in her purse, which ended up taking up more room in her bag than the things she needed - I had gotten into the habit of keeping just about everything someone got rid of that I felt had the least bit of value or attractiveness.  Many, many yard sales, trips to charity shops, and bags of broken or worn out bits of this and that which ended up as trash or recycled items had to be created with even less coming into the house later.  I made it a rule of thumb that, for every bag of groceries or other shopping that came into the house, five bags had to go out.  If things exited the house for yard sales, none of them were allowed to return and were given away to charity if not purchased by someone who found my trash to be a treasure.

 

At first, this didn't seem to be working; there was so very much shoved into every nook and cranny of my abode, but eventually, I found I had this superbly wonderful thing beginning to emerge - SPACE!!  As space began to reveal itself, things began to get a bit easier around here.  Seriously, this cleaning out and cleaning up took about five years to complete, while productivity inside the house began to pick up and household stress began to subside. 

 

After that, I was able to then get to doing things for the house - such as cleaning and re-organizing - as they needed to be done.  Since I don't watch television very often, the time one would normally waste on mindless viewing of the idiot tube I spent moving things about and actually utilizing my new-found SPACE.  I also found that I wasted significantly less time having to look for things as they now had a place to be and, believe it or not, were usually there when I needed them - what an oddity!

 

Now, I also have significantly less animals to care for as I am no longer active in rehab.  Where I had a constant influx and outflow of birds and other beautiful creatures of all ages, I only have my babies that I can care for.  They eat their breakfast or dinner and I immediately begin picking up and washing their bowls as I walk through the room.  As I pamper all of them with bedding of their own, I now have plenty of extra, freshly laundered bedding at the ready to change keeping them comfortable and healthy.  When changing their bedding, I also make sure to take a few minutes and sanitize the areas where they like to eat and sleep.

 

I clean areas of my house as I walk through it, too.  If the bathroom sinks need cleaned, I take a minute and scrub it when I wash my hands.  If the commodes need cleaned, I take a minute and do that nasty little job when I see it.  I have the supplies needed conveniently placed so I can do this without having to go searching.  I can do this because, once again, I have lovely SPACE to do so since I've gotten rid of so much extraneous stuff.

 

And, in regards to all that "stuff", I realized I didn't need to have fourteen sets of dishes; two usable sets for everyday and two sets I've kept that used to belong to my Grandmother are more than sufficient.  I didn't need to keep every glass my family had ever used, unlike my Mother who wanted to keep every glass that had a memory to it because someone we loved used it once upon a time.  I didn't need to keep every little bit of paper or receipt from 1981 or chicken scratch my daughter had done twenty-seven years ago - important documents and good pieces of artwork or writings, yes, but every scrap, no.  Over 95% got shredded and trashed in one way or another.  It's absolutely amazing how much space papers will take up, along with old magazines that no longer serve any purpose other than being pretty.  Stuff like that just had to go and I pay attention to it not accumulating again, while also re-organizing that which does need to stay from time to time, oftentimes tossing out even more of what I thought mistakenly was a necessary thing to keep.

 

Periodically, when chores seem to be caught up with, I look around to see what hasn't been done in awhile.  Things like cleaning the oven, washing the windows, or washing the drapes get done during these times, along with cleaning under and behind the refrigerator, clothes washer, and dryer.  Things stay kept up with this way.

 

This has become contagious to my husband also.  He finds that he enjoys going through and organizing his own spaces, keeping his clothing hung up and his medicine cabinet neat and usually clean.  When he pulls the lawn equipment out of the shed, he finds he's inspired to straighten and clean out some of the stuff in there, along with in his own tool areas of the garage.  The interior of his car is no longer a mobile garbage container of used drink cups, fast-food wrappers, and old newspapers either - that's a blessing and quite a saver of gasoline as the car can now be used as a transportation vehicle for more than just garbage.

 

I'm less stressed, my husband is less stressed, and my animals are happier than they've ever been, even though they were pretty darn happy to begin with.  This makes for a less stressful environment all the way around, with greater productivity and a better ability to get things done as they're needed to be done.  Try it yourself and just realize that holding on to too many things causes you to be overly stressed, with the things owning you and your time; not you owning them or being able to use your time.  And another thing - turn off the television set and get off the computer once in awhile!!  Unless you have to work on the computer you sincerely don't need to be on it so much, telling everyone on Facebook that you're feeding your face - Really, no one cares!  Turn off your computer and the video games, turn off that television set and the cell phone, and actually enjoy your meal, or whatever you're trying to enjoy doing, instead of reporting about it or getting upset because of someone's dramatic rant.  Tune out everyday so you can tune in to your life, be more productive, and less stressed.  That's what I do and it definitely works well here, so it will for you, too.

Little Bits Left in Places - What's Up With That?!

Hi Everybody!!

I haven't written in awhile; I've been REALLY busy!  Been doing a lot of cleaning and cooking while immensely loving the fact that my ex-husband seems to have fallen off the face of the earth - or so I hope.  I've been helping out friends and writing, taking care of my family and pets, along with giving myself some much needed time to think.

 

One thing I've noticed while I'm cleaning and thinking is that it sure is funny how people love to leave little bits of things in jars and other things instead of finishing off those last little bits before opening up new containers.

 

Take, for instance, mayonnaise.  I was cleaning out the refrigerator last week because there was no more room in it.  I THOUGHT that there were many leftovers shoved in the back of the fridge, becoming science experiments, but I was mistaken.  I found not one, but two opened jars of mayonnaise shoved in the back with just enough in them to moisten one slice of bread if I used a spatula to scrape the jar.  Yes - there was a freshly opened jar in the door of the fridge while those two lone relics sat unattended and painfully neglected in the back, behind several partial bags of bread with just the heels in them.  Hidden nicely, too, I might add!!  Well, getting rid of all of that opened up some space.  I decided NOT to make a sandwich with the remaining mayonnaise when I saw it had turned into the consistency of clear school-glue and smelled like gym socks.  Yuck!

 

Next I found one jar of salsa that was in the same condition, with about a spoonful of what used to be yummy goodness in the bottom that had now turned into something reminiscent of red spackle with wrinkled beans in it.  Of course, there was a freshly opened jar of salsa on the shelf just above it.  This same scenario played out with several other condiments and other things, so, to say the least, I had a full recycle bin by the end of the day, particularly after cleaning out boxes of cereal with just a few crumbs left in the bottom, along with cracker boxes with ONE cracker left.  At the end of the day I certainly had some clean shelves - as well as empty ones - and a beautifully sparkling clean fridge.

 

Just for the fun of it (I don't get out much) I decided to see if the jars of peanut butter in the cupboard were in a similar condition.  I wasn't disappointed there either, finding another two opened jars with just enough peanut butter in them to coat the sides of the jar - recycle time again!!  Of course, sitting in front of those two jars was a freshly opened jar with a bit removed from it.

 

After clearing all of these little bits away and organizing the shelves all over the place, I allowed myself to sit back and ponder this over a cup of coffee.  I had to make a fresh pot - which is no biggee - but found another container of coffee on the shelf, holding just enough ground coffee to make maybe two cups.  There seems to be a pattern here, especially since my husband likes to cook and make his own lunch lately and I don't bother to check up on him.  Well - that pattern has got to stop.  I assure you, I'm laughing at this and just find it amusing.  Things like this don't tick me off like they used to - I've grown.

 

So, when I finally was able to enjoy that cup of coffee I mentioned earlier, I sat and thought about the little bits left in other things.  Containers of shampoo, tooth paste, and shaving creme came to mind very quickly.  This happened a LOT when I was a kid, but never really thought about it once I grew older; I just put up with it and knew the folks I lived with had this issue with tossing stuff away and not wanting to let go of that last little bit of whatever.  What's up with that?!

 

I remember my mom doing the same thing - leaving little bits in jars and bottles and opening up new containers of whatever the item was.  She did this the entire time I lived with her and I did ask her why she did this.  Her answer was rather prophetic - "cuz!"  I would ask her, "Because why?", to which she would answer, "I don't know - because I want to, I guess."  Well - that was helpful.  Hoping I would get a more informative answer from my husband I asked him the same thing.  His answer was more to the point, "I don't know - I just do.  That's all."  Well - that helped clear things up - NOT!  LOL

 

I don't get this behavior, but it really doesn't matter.  I just find it laughable, especially since I just love that feeling of finishing something off and recycling the container.  I get that childlike anticipation when I open something new or begin a new project, painstakingly work through whatever it is, and thoroughly enjoy that feeling of finishing something or using up that last little bit, even with something as mundane and insignificant as the last spoonful of salsa left in the bottom of a jar.

 

Oh, well - to each their own, I guess.  This is just one of those little conundrums of life that no one really understands, but if we can laugh at it, that's marvelous.  I'll write again soon, but for right now, I've got to go clean out some laundry detergent containers with just enough in them to, perhaps, do one full load.  Our recycle bin is going to be pretty full this week. 

I'm Thankful for Things One Wouldn't Expect...

On this Thanksgiving, 2012, I find myself thankful for many things, many of which one wouldn't expect anyone to be thankful for. 

 

To begin, I find myself thankful for having a family who can be somewhat narcissistic at times - overly controlling, self-centered, cold, and delusional.  I'm thankful for them, because they forced me to sit back when I was very young and begin to ask that question of "What's wrong with this picture?" during family get-togethers that left us crying instead of laughing, or when they childishly threw clothing around the house because they were too rushed to iron them.  These acts and the resulting angst caused by them taught me the true meaning of patience, caring, love, and organization.  True, being more patient, caring, loving, and organized than they brought me ridicule and jealousy from my family at many times, which sometimes made me bahave as they did, but I also learned to watch myself and honestly and wholeheartedly apologize for my behavior, along with teaching me how to think before I acted out.  I also learned how to do the right thing, which isn't easy at many times.

 

Then, I thank my family for pushing me to stay with that assinine Bozo when I tried vehemently to break it off with him in 1976.  Had they not pushed, prodded, cajolled, and weakened my teen-aged self to the point where I gave in just to shut them up, I would have never been exposed to the face of true evil.  This sounds like an odd, side-ways compliment and, I guess, in a way, it is, but it is meant as a heartfelt thanks as, if they hadn't done that, I would not be as strong or resilient and truly appreciative of things as I am today.  Do I like having an ex-husband who still stalks me nearly 35 years after leaving him?  Oh, Hell NO!  But, I've developed strength I wouldn't have had, along with faith in myself that wouldn't have been there or appreciated otherwise.  Good does come out of all situations if one chooses to find it, no matter how elusive that good may be.

 

I thank God for giving me the strength to stop self-medicating myself with booze.  That process was hard enough in its own right, but to have "friends" and family tell me to start drinking again because I was "nicer" and "easier to get along with" while I was drunk, made me realize I'd been playing the fool and being everything for everybody while under the influence.  I'd been discrediting myself for far too long and not allowing my own light to shine, so I could make others feel happy.  I learned through sobriety that, if people wanted me to be something I wasn't so THEY could feel better, than I didn't need those people in my life, no matter who they were.

 

I thank my current husband for being the cold and secretive individual that he is.  He's basically a good guy who wouldn't hurt a fly, but he also has to be told when to care for that fly, told when to let it fly and go out the door, or when to pick it up when it falls.  Though he is one who doesn't see the importance of being open, honest, and respectful of others, he has unknowingly gotten me to realize a form of strength I needed to find within myself.  Through his silence and lack of being there when I've needed him, he has unwittingly taught me to be the man I looked for in others, which oftentimes got my heart broken and my butt kicked when I looked outside myself for that which I needed to develop on the inside.

 

Not only has my current husband unknowingly forged an internal strength within me, but he's forced me to be able to find truth that laid hidden beneath the surface.  Through his secretive attitudes and evading answers, I've learned how to delve into areas where no regular person should ever have to go to get to the truth behind secrets and evasiveness, bringing truth to light so it can shine in ways it's meant to, instead of how it's colored by silly dreams, grandiosity, or sweeping things under the carpet, just to be tripped over later.  To my current in-laws this does not make me a valued member of their "clan", but it has opened my current husband's eyes to the real value and meaning of truth.

 

To my former in-laws, my ability to find their "secrets" hasn't endeared me either - oh well, too bad.  Someone had to have the guts and the balls necessary to talk about their "beloved son", the one I refer to as Bozo, in the truth it was meant to be done, instead of their fantasies and excuses for his behaviors.  Someone also had to come out the other side stronger, to help others to survive the hell they are going through.

 

I also thank those times in my life when I've lost just about every THING I owned.  Those times, whether caused by my own stupidity or just because of financial circumstances, have taught me the true value of "things".  Things mean nothing and will come back when - and only when - they are meant to; things can be replaced, but not in the same way they originally were.  Memories, thoughts, expressions of caring, and love are what's important - not things - so I am eternally grateful for what I now have and do the best I can to hold on to them, care for them, and honor them and the people connected with them, without having a need to go out and max out my credit cards on "stuff" for other people or myself on Black Friday.  Many times that "stuff" isn't really appreciated or even remembered months later anyway, so why waste the time, effort, and money.  No one can BUY love; they can only give it and appreciate what they receive in return.

 

So, in conclusion, since my life is not that of a Norman Rockwell painting or a Folger's coffee commercial, on this Thanksgiving and everyday, I give thanks for the hurts that made me think, that made me grow, and made me stronger.  I also give great and heartfelt thanks to all those little moments of happiness, as rare as they may be, which make me glad to wake up everyday, whether those moments are as simple as the coo of a dove or as great as seeing a friend do well.

 

To those of you reading this, may you also be thankful, today and everyday, for the situations in your lives that have made you what you are today.  May you walk a little lighter and taller, today, tomorrow, and always, confident in the knowing that you are, indeed, a wonderful person who has been made better due to the negativity of life, along with its trials and tribulations.  You are beautiful in your own right and you do matter.  Take moments of hurt and turn them into positivity that others don't want to see in you or don't expect out of you - that's their problem, not yours - and know that I hold you all in my heart and am grateful for you, too.

Beware of What You Wish For, You Just Might Get It

Though I haven't got a great deal of really close friends, I do wish them all, all the best things in life and that their dreams will come true.  Dreams did come true for my friend, Sally, about two years ago when she won the lottery.  She didn't win the BIG one, but she won enough where she was able to pay off her home - which was going into foreclosure - along with paying off all of her debts with some money left over to indulge upon some things she had only dreamt of ever having in her life.  She was so happy and I was so happy for her.

 

After paying off her debts and putting money aside, she decided to remodel her kitchen.  It was badly in need of new everything as her appliances, sinks, flooring, everything was just held together with duct-tape, bubble-gum, and a prayer.  So, she bought magazines of new this, that, and the other thing; spoke to chefs and contractors, and searched on the internet for all that was new, shiny, and technically advanced and environmentally efficient.  She searched, learned, read, conferenced, and thought for months, keeping her final decisions a secret from even her closest of friends, letting us all know that she would have a grand party and big unveiling of her new kitchen when it was done.

 

At the beginning of 2012, in late January, she let us know she would give us all a call in late April or so when the kitchen was done and invite us to her wonderful kitchen christening party.  I phoned her in March and the sounds of construction blared in the background.  I wanted to give her my support, fully knowing that the contractors' estimated time of completion would run long past their 90-day date - it always does. 

 

She appreciated my call, especially since I was the only one of her friends who bothered to pick up the phone to see how SHE was doing and not the kitchen.  As she moved away from the whirr of electric saws and pounding of hammers, into a room of solitude and quiet, I thought I'd heard a crack in her voice showing her frustration and angst, but prayed I was wrong.  I wasn't.

 

"B." she said as she caught her breath, "These contractors are driving me nuts.  They swore to me this kitchen would be done no later than April 20th and they've just let me know that it may take another 30 to 45 days.  They're here every morning at the crack of dawn, making noise and not letting me sleep.  They look busy and sweat a lot, with their butt-cracks showing all the time, but nothing ever seems to get done.  The new appliances are due to arrive any day and they can't be installed because of all the delays happening, one right after another.  I so wish I'd listened to you when you told me to put a stipulation in that contract that held them responsible for delays and cost them money after so many days going overtime.  I should have listened to you, too, when you told me to put a bonus in that contract for finishing before their scheduled date.  Now - I'm screwed."  Having worked for contractors and developers for many years, I had let her know what to put in the contract to get their butts moving and motivated, but she didn't listen to me - oh, well, we live and learn.

 

We chatted for about another hour and she was grateful for the call, as well as me not telling her I told you so - she had done enough of that herself.  She and I worked on a list of all those she would call as soon as the workmen were all done with everything, and yes, I was on that list with my new phone number.  I figured on a call back from her in June or July, but no call came.  I, being concerned for her, called and left messages, but got no returned calls - that was ok as I figured she was just very busy or perhaps decided to get away from things for awhile and take a trip.  With everything going on in my life, as well as me not feeling as well as I would like to many days, I will admit that I stopped calling after awhile and lost track of time.

 

Last week I realized I'd been remiss in keeping up with Sally and gave her a call.  This time she answered.  She apologized profusely for not returning my calls during the summer; I let her know no apologies were necessary.  At that little bit of kindness she broke down in tears.  I asked what the matter was and let her know I could be at her house within 30 minutes if she needed a shoulder to cry on, thinking something really bad must have happened.  That kindness made her cry even more, but through the tears she let me know that she didn't want anyone to come over or see her house, so I invited her over to my home.  This offer she accepted.

 

Upon arrival, I saw that Sally looked like she'd aged terribly in the 8 months or so since I'd last seen her.  We sat down for coffee and cake when she asked if it was ok for her to smoke.  This floored me as she had stopped smoking many years ago and swore she'd never take it up again.  She let me know that the stress of the money from the lottery and the hassles with her kitchen drove her back to it again - oh, dear.  As her hands were shaking and I burn incense in my house anyway, who was I to tell her no; she was in MY house and could hopefully relax for awhile.

 

I let her speak uninterrupted and just listened.  Come to find out, the kitchen wasn't completed until near the end of August, with one problem after another.  Also, I was the only friend who bothered to call her and show her real concern, while also not asking for a hand-out of funds.  To me, Sally was and still is just Sally, but to everyone else, she's suddenly become a bank.  Poor Sally, who HAS helped out several of her friends financially, has lost nearly all of her chums as they now think she's being stingy - her good fortune showed her who her real friends are and she is just beside herself, feeling like a fool, over the attitudes of others and their petty jealousies.  She also now sees why I wouldn't associate with her other friends.

 

On top of all this heartache from her past friends, she now has the kitchen of her dreams, but it is nothing to her now but a nightmare.  She has all the latest and greatest in appliances with all the technological bells and whistles money can buy, but can't even get her coffee maker to work or boil water.  She informs me that her fancy-schmancy microwave is so complicated that she can't even figure out how to make it pop a bag of popcorn.  BUT, she now has everything she ever wanted and dreamed of in her kitchen - while hating every square inch of it.

 

None to say the least, the kitchen christening party is postponed until further notice.  She's decided that, if she needs to get a degree in culinary arts just to know how to run her kitchen, she may as well rip the whole thing out and start over.  A new contractor is coming in the week after Thanksgiving, someone who is hungry and wants the work, and together they're tearing out the new-current kitchen and donating all of the technological wonders to places that can use them and know how.  Her drawings of the new-future kitchen are simple, well thought out, and real, with appliance names I recognize, along with instructions written in English and on/off switches she won't need a computer code book to use or a retinal display to access. 

 

Sally has found within herself the strength she needed and love she wanted to give, that money and impressive outward things couldn't give her.  I asked if she wanted to come over here for dinner on Thanksgiving, but she informed me she'll be very busy helping out a local organization that helps those who were where she was two years ago - she's giving back now and paying forward to those who deserve it, instead of those who want it, expect it, and demand it.  She's also learned the importance of thinking about what she wishes for, knowing that she just might get it and all that comes with it.

 

Live and learn, my friends, for money and shiny gegaws can't and won't buy you love, inner strength, or peace; you have to find that within yourself to be able to give it to others.  And that is something no one can take from you, no matter how hard they try.

 

Love to all, along with wishes for a beautiful and safe holiday.

B.

 

 

 

 

Documenting Abuse: Keep a Record of the Crap

Document!  Document!  Document!  That's what I've always been told by police and detectives.  And they are correct!  You've got  to keep a record of every darn thing your abuser or stalker does, because the police and the courts cannot read your mind or take what comes out of your mouth as gospel; they need records and a history.

 

You can do this documentation in many ways.  You can make a simple note on a calendar, in a code that only you know.  You can write down what's going on, day by day, in a journal.  You can keep notes or cards that are sent to you from your abuser/stalker, or even film his presence on your property via surveillance cameras (be sure to make copies of what is caught on tape - more than one - for if something happens).  Be sure to take note of ALL names of anyone you speak to about your abuser/stalker, whether the ones you talk to are police (get names and badge numbers always), detectives (private or police), judges, victims' rights advocates, anyone, and make sure you also log the date and time of your conversations with them.  This can also include neighbors and friends who have witnessed your abuser or stalker lurking about, whether at home, school, or work.  If you can, also log phone numbers of the people you talked to, as well as the names of their secretaries, as those numbers and names add credence to the fact that a conversation took place.

 

Any legal paperwork you have pertaining to your abuser/stalker is good to have on hand, too, whether you have to obtain it from the courts or via the internet.  What you find or get may not have anything to do with you, but it shows a history on your abuser/stalker.  Sometimes records get lost, which is why you should keep legal records, and sometimes the things you find out will show that your stalker/abuser is not telling the truth in what he or she is doing.  My stalking ex-husband is listed as owning at least one home with his sister, but he's put her down as his wife, which I think is really amusing as, at the time, he was still legally married to wife #2.  During this time he also purchased yet another home and is listed as a single man.  Apparently, registrars and real estate people don't take the time to verify what the home buyer says is their marital status; or perhaps they just don't have the time and operate under due diligence, taking what the buyer says as truth, since they aren't detectives.

 

Make copies of your divorce decree, as well as your marriage license, along with all registration numbers.  While speaking with a dear and hard-working victims' rights advocate, she informed me that she could NOT find a divorce decree on mine and Bozo's divorce.  Something had been done and records were either lost or conveniently misplaced.  Within just 24 hours I was able to locate my divorce decree and got that registration number to her.  Now, that divorce appears as public record instead of something hidden.  I was told that it was obvious the divorce was hidden and this frightened the advocate as she had never seen something done like this before.  I wasn't frightened because I know how my ex-husband's warped mind works.

 

If you are physically abused or abuse happens to anything you love or care for - like a pet - take photos of what has happened and also write down when it happened.  Though authorities may help you with photos of any bruising, etc., things can get lost, particularly if your abuser/stalker was ever a member of law enforcement, as mine was.  They know people on the inside and know how to make things "disappear", even if they are no longer directly affiliated - they're sneaky and oftentimes have something they know that can work against an official (at least, that's the way mine works). 

 

If something happens to a beloved pet, make sure to have that pet examined by a veterinarian whether the pet survives or not.  THIS IS CRUCIAL!!!  Jerks who will harm animals have been proven to often move on to bigger and more challenging game; that game may just be you.  Take the report you get from your veterinarian and keep it with all of your other pieces of documentation; including pictures taken even if you are in tears as you take them because of the malicious and heinous treatment done to your dear pet.  You have to be strong here - for yourself, your pets and children, as well as your home.

 

Keep vital statistic information on hand, too, with your documentation.  When you are under a stressful situation you may just forget things like his or her date of birth, the dates of your marriage and divorce, where he or she last worked, along with height, weight, eye color, and hair color (note that weight and hair color can change over time; my ex had a full head of dark brown hair when I knew him back in the 1970's and now his hair is white as snow, but he can dye that at anytime and I know this).

 

When you have a lot of documentation at your disposal, you must remember to protect it.  Abusers and stalkers have no qualms about breaking into your home, or having someone else break into your home, to steal that information that you've carefully collected.  Make several copies of EVERYTHING and store them off-site, away from your home.  Give a full file of copies to a friend who knows how to hide something (not a relative as any relations you have will be the first place they look after they've hit your home).  Give that friend the authority to speak for you if, God forbid, something happens to you.  Make another set of copies and put them safely into a safe-deposit box at a bank you don't go to very often.  You want to use a bank that is off the beaten path or out of your normal daily workings just in case you've been followed by your abuser/stalker, like I have - you always have to stay two steps ahead of them and cannot afford to make mistakes.

 

When you sign up for that safe-deposit box, make sure to list the people who should be able to have access to the box in the case of you not being present.  Some bank managers, who are sympathetic to your cause, will also allow you to make a list of people who, if they show up there and try to gain access to your box and have a key with them, the bank is to call the police immediately as that person is NOT authorized, in any way, shape, or form, to have those documents.  If you are fortunate enough to have a restraining order or order of protection that is being observed, you can also show that to the bank manager and he or she MAY keep a copy of that on record.

 

Keep Everything!  Copy Everything!  Protect Everything - most of all yourself and those you love!  I've been at this a long, long time - over 34 years now - and, believe me, I've had to think outside the box just like Bozo does.  As I'm not giving away all of my secrets, you just think outside the box, too, and be creative, because your abuser/stalker will most certainly be doing the same.

Subtle Abuse - Being Set-Up in Childhood for Issues in Adulthood

Subtle abuse is something that we can all take for granted and often ignore when we see or hear it happen.  There are many forms of subtle abuse that comes from friends, spouses, acquaintances, or even over the internet, but that which is most damaging and sets us up to be abused prey later down the line is that of subtle abuse by our parents when we are small children.  Not all abuse survivors have one or two parents that unknowingly set them up to fall later, but many do.

Parents try to love us as best they know how, but sometimes they simply don't do very well at it since children do not come with a handbook of instructions.  Children are individual people whether parents like to admit that fact or not, and what worked well with one child will often not work well on another in the same family.  One parent may also not be as well-equiped in the empathy department to deal with a child who fights for individuality and recognition, not wanting to be pigeon-holed into being like their siblings.

Parents who are setting their children up to be attracted to abusive relationships later in life do so unknowingly due to many reasons; such as acting out of frustration over something negative in their own lives that they won't or can't deal with, feelings of a lack of control, and sometimes feelings of jealousy, loss, anger, or just blame and guilt.  Because of their own inadequacies they can over compensate by being too giving, too lenient, too strict, too overly protective, or smothering.  Oftentimes all of these actions can come out of the same parent, particularly if that parent is confused, unfocused, and contradictory in his or her nature. 

One will also find, in many cases, that parents like this are neglectful of the child when the child needs love, attention, health care, or even a new pair of pants.  But, when it is convenient for the parent, or the subtly abusive parent has a need for attention from others, the child can be held up as a trophy child with their beauty or talents overly exagerrated to friends and coworkers.  Children in this particular case are often paraded around in clothing that makes them appear as if they are a work of art or, if they have any talent at anything, these children can be forced to perform as if they were a trained seal.  Children who are treated like this are often talked about in third person while they are standing right there, which begins to instill into the child the impression that she or he is nothing more than an object to be admired when it's convenient and then put back on a shelf later to gather dust.  That child now mistakenly knows that being made to feel like an object is love and this is a hard concept to unlearn.

Some parents can overly protect children when they shouldn't and ignore them when they should be protecting them.  They can make a big issue out of little illnesses, getting the child singled out in school, ridiculed and teased by fellow classmates, because they make a big deal out of their child having a simple cold, forcing the school to keep "their baby" inside from recess.  They'll overly pet the child with the cold as if she or he is dieing.  But, when the child is really ill, they'll often be harsh, cruel, and insulting to the child saying to that very sick little one things like, "See!  This is what you get for being naughty," or "Now I've got to spend my money on you instead of where I wanted to," or "Well, aren't you proud of yourself for being bad and playing in the snow with dirty kids?"  Subtly abusive parents do not realize how much these types of statements hurt the soul of a child, confuse the issue entirely, and set the child up to become unknowingly willing prey later in life.  The child is also left feeling devalued and unimportant with a sense of guilt that is unwarranted, but becomes well established and engrained into their psyche.  This skews the childs viewpoint of things giving them the false ideas that something little is a big deal, while something possibly catastrophic is a personal punishment.  This isn't right and it is abuse.

Parents like this also don't realize that they cause a child to reach out to anyone who will give them attention and offer "love" to them, no matter how twisted or hurtful.  Children are normally rebellious when they hit that hormonal phase known as puberty, but without knowing real love, caring, understanding, respect, and dignity in their own home, they can only find it by trial and error out in the world.  They may not be able to even see it in other people and classmates, so they settle for what they know, what they're familiar with, and what they're used to, which is abuse.  They may not be able to fit in with a better crowd simply because they don't have the knowledge of how, or they may take the easy route and run with a bad crowd because the excitement of the bad tends to numb the pain of not understanding what the heck is "wrong" with them; there's nothing "wrong" with them as many in the bad crowd - not all, but many - themselves have been subtly abused, too. 

A child may have been fortunate enough to have one adult in their life that taught them how love was meant to be or friends whose family life doesn't feel the same as their's, but the subtly abused child feels good around these people while not being able to figure out why.  In either of these fortunate situations the child may be prone to sit back and wonder, "Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture?" when they're at home with their subtly abusive parents, siblings, and other family members.  This observance, in and of itself, can oftentimes help the developing child to not be as prone to be attracted to abusive individuals later in life if they are allowed to continue relations with these more healthy individuals, but all too often the subtly abusive parent will somehow block the interaction of their child with the more stable and truly loving people.

"Those people", as they are often called by the subtly abusive parents, are somehow perceived as being a threat to "our way" of being.  Oftentimes, in these types of situations, the child will be told things about their friends or their friends' parents that contain lies with just enough truth in them where the child is lead to believe something isn't right with their friends; thus breaking down any good out-of-family relationships.  Arguements in the extended family over nothing of importance will ensue which can separate truly loving family members from the child, thus forcing the child to have no one to turn to other than the abusive parent.  This type of stress, this type of irrational rationale on the part of the parent is nothing more than a self-agrandising, selfish, self-oriented, and controlling form of abuse that has a brain-washing, soul numbing effect upon a child from a parent who is out of control and ill-equiped to be a parent.  This doesn't leave a physical mark upon the child, but it certainly leaves an emotional and psychological one that takes much longer to heal, if it ever does.

As the child gets older and breaks away from the parent that is subtly abusive, the child begins to possibly see the reality of what has happened.  They may begin to see a pattern in the types of failed relationships they have, as well as the patterns of failed goals they allow to slip through their fingers.  It may hit the now-older-child that great opportunities presented to them in their youth, while in school, were undermined and sabotaged by the selfish actions of their parents.  Again, they may ask themselves, "Hmmmm.  What's wrong with this picture?" and try to move on.  They may try self-help methods of healing while not really knowing why or how they should proceed.  They may seek professional help and guidance, but with the brain-washing that was done to them at such an early age, any and all of their work takes a long time to make any positive progress.  Many who want out of the destructive pattern stick with their efforts of moving forward and healing, though, and begin to raise themselves up, little by little, even though they are on a precarious summit that they can topple over at any moment.  They take one step at a time and learn that they are good people who deserve love in the way it was meant to be, developing self-respect for the first time and independence they're proud of, while ultimately searching for their own sense of self that their family didn't allow them to develop.

But, don't think that this growth doesn't go unnoticed by the parents and possibly even the siblings of the beginning-to-heal adult child.  Many times the growing and aging child must figure out some way of completely cutting themselves off from the family they love when the adult toxicity makes an attempt to leak its way back in.  Staying close to their parents and/or siblings can work to sabotage all the good that's been done.  Those subtle abusers will probably never change their attitudes towards the now-grown-child, but the adult-child can now change how they interact with the subtle abusers.

The adult-child can point at the abusers and say, "Hey!  You messed me up!" for a minute to two, but then must realize that, even though there's one finger pointing at the ones who did the initial damage, there are three fingers pointing back at them.  Those three fingers point to the one who is now in control and who can make the decisions.  The subtly abused adult-child now has three times the power of the abuser - ANY abuser - and must take the control and power back that was taken away from them so long ago when they couldn't even fight their way out of a wet paper bag.

Don't ever kid yourself into thinking the road back from being abused and brain-washed will be an easy one, because it won't.  You are NOT now the person that you were initially meant to be or could have been had you not been abused, whether by a subtle abuser, an outright blatant abuser, or both.  The road you walk now will be an unfamiliar road and a path that's not one you recognize, but as time goes on it will get better, less rocky, and more maneuverable.  You can hopefully rid yourself of blatant abusers, but oftentimes you can't get rid of familial subtle abusers.  You have to realize that those familial subtle abusers know how to push your buttons very well to make you upset, feel guilty, and lose control; they'll even try to undermine good and great progress that you make, goals you set, and successes in your life - they get off on all of this! 

But, it is YOU who now is in control of you and you control how you react to their behavior towards you - NOT THEM!  Take back your power and KNOW that you have three times the strength they do and you know you better than they ever will.  You aren't a child any longer, so don't let them make you feel as if you are.  They want to keep you weak so they can feel strong - take that away from them! Their loss IS your gain.  You are the winner here and you DO matter; you're important and you can do it.

"It's Just One of Those Days," she said...

I spoke to an old and good friend of mine who still works with animals as a rehabilitator.  She does this out of her home and is often pressed beyond her means and past her limits, just like I was.  She is one who works tirelessly and without funding to care for creatures that have been needlessly stolen from their nests because someone thought there were no parents around or they thought it would be a fun and cool idea to try to make a pet out of a wild animal, as well as injured and truly orphaned wildlife brought to her by caring individuals.  She always has a kind word to say to anyone, no matter how she feels or how stressed she is, but she didn't yesterday when I returned her call and let her know that some idiot left a bird in my mailbox again.

She didn't have anything cross to say to me, but she certainly did for the fool who thought that placing a bird in the mailbox of someone who hasn't done bird rehab in years would get the poor thing taken care of.  Apparently, the fool who left the bird can't read!  As I have had numerous animals put in my mailbox because some supposedly caring, angelic human thinks it's okay to do this, mistakenly thinking the mailbox is some sort of drop-off box, I have a sign posted clearly on the door of the mailbox.  This sign reads: "If you haven't called me to take the animal or bird you're thinking about leaving in this mailbox, DON'T leave the poor creature in this box!!!  Take it next door and leave it with my neighbor, who will call me so I can help the animal.  If she isn't home, place it in the care box on the north side of my garage, by the door between our two houses, marked Drop-Off.  DO NOT LEAVE THE BIRD OR ANIMAL IN THIS MAILBOX!"  (I have to specify 'bird or animal' as some idiots don't consider birds to be animals.)

This sign has worked well with people in the past, with them wondering why in the world someone would even consider doing this when I took their injured bird from them to rehabilitate and care for, or, if necessary, give a peaceful crossing.  But, people still leave animals, mostly birds, in that mailbox about once or twice a year even though I no longer actively rehab.  This makes my friend and I just sick as, most of the time, the animal dies, especially in the hot Arizona summer.  How in the world can people be so stupid!!!!!

What's really amazing is that I have the person on video tape.  The person used to bring birds to me all the time that her children would find; that was fine and wonderful then, but not now.  This person is no kid and can read very well as she is seen on video tape reading the sign, but placing the injured and unconscious bird into the mailbox anyway.  If I knew her name and her location, I would most definitely turn her in for animal cruelty, but without knowing neither, there isn't really anything that I or anyone can do.  Apparently, she had left the poor thing in the box not long before I'd found it, according to the time stamp on the tape, but it was long enough.  Very possibly, the poor bird was so far gone that it wouldn't have made it anyway, but at least I would have been given the chance to help it if she'd followed my instructions, especially since my neighbor was home.  The bird has been laid to rest, respectfully, and with reverence.

When I called my friend and after explaining the incident to her, her first thought was that perhaps the bird was already dead and the woman left it there to be "taken care of", which means either buried, cremated, or tossed in the trash to go out like someone's garbage instead of the beautiful creature it was.  Well, that is one possibility and I'll go with that.  But, after she expressed this thought is when she just let fly with the stupidity of some people.  Then, after getting all of it out and off her chest, she said, "Oh, well, B.  It's just one of those days, I guess."

This summer has been particularly bad for her and other rehabilitators.  Many are thinking of throwing in the towel because of the acts of humans; not because of the animals who need care.  Many are thinking of giving up caring for injured and lost animals due to financial problems where people are just no longer donating to help with the care and feeding of the animals they bring, even as little as five dollars, thinking that people who do this caring and selfless work are, in some way, funded by tax dollars.  This isn't true at all for any local animal rehabilitator.  Animal rehabilitators, whether they care for song birds, house cats, dogs, horses, or any wildlife, are not funded or supported by the local or federal authorities, and if by chance they are, the amount given isn't even enough to scratch the surface on all of the expenses incurred as a rehabilitator.  They pay for everything out of their own pockets and are not allowed to take anything as a tax deduction - so don't dwell on fantasy told to you by someone who SAYS they know what's going on; they don't.  Donations have to be made for the rehabilitator to keep his or her doors open to care for animals.  Whether that gift is food, money, towels, running errands, or even just some time to help out in various ways, they have to have help.

This is not a situation where you can sit back on your butt and say "something's got to be done about this, because these rehabilitators need some help and things shouldn't be like this".  Oh, no, no, no.  If you're reading this and you feel this way in the least, then you are part of the problem, but you can make yourself part of the solution.  It is YOU who needs to get up off your butt and make a few calls.  Call your local animal shelter or wildlife center and find out if there is a rehabilitator in your area.  Call that rehabilitator and offer them some help in your own way - don't wait for someone else to do that which YOU should be doing.  You might not know a damn thing about animals, but love them all the same, and there are so many ways you can help them. 

If you have the time and desire, there are licensed facilities that will take the time to teach you what to do for animals, even if that 'what to do' is just feeding, cleaning, and watering.  You can offer to do that, too, for any local rehabilitator - if they have the time, they'll teach you.  You can offer to run errands for them, such as picking up feed or even just their own groceries (this helps so often and allows the rehaber time to care for the animals).  You can hold your own yardsale where the proceeds would go to a rehaber who needs the cash to pay the bills of caring for the animals in their care, which will hopefully either find good homes if they're domestic animals or be released if they are wildlife.  When you pick up food for your own pets, you can get an extra can or bag of food and take it to the rehaber - they can always use extra food for the animals; this includes ANY type of animal food, including bird seed.  You can supply bedding by going through your closets and cleaning out old towels, blankets, and sheets - these types of things are always in short supply, including bedding materials for smaller critters, like straw, hay, and bundles of litter for rabbits, as well as cat litter.  You can scrounge around in your cupboards for dishes, particularly bowls, that you no longer use - I never had enough of those around here.

There are so many things that YOU can do to help with the issue.  Your help matters not only to the animals in the care of rehabilitators, but it also helps the rehaber know that he or she is appreciated, which many times really helps to lighten their load and bring a much needed smile to their face.  If you donate time, money, food, or supplies and that particular rehaber can't use them right then, I can assure you that he or she knows someone who can, and they WILL get your kindness over to that person.  Even though I technically retired from doing animal and avian rehab, I still try to stay connected in some way.  I do what I can, where and when I can, sometimes having to take an animal to someone much more active than I or much more learned.  You can help, too, so that someone in the trenches, actively and passionately doing their work, doesn't have the need to say, "It's just one of those days", if only for that one day.